The Lemons

The when life gives you.. kind. I got 'em.

I knew I would get rejected from some, if not most, of the graduate schools that I applied to, but that doesn't make the rejection sting any less. Especially when it comes from an e-mail that, with no prior warning just appears in my inbox: "Dear, [insert applicant's name here], We thank you for your interest in our Master of Fine Arts Program in Creative Writing. We received many excellent applications this term for a few competitive spots and unfortunately we cannot offer you admission into our program at this time." 

It's feels like getting dumped by a robot. Sometimes, my mind will wander and I will start to dwell on the really real possibility that I could be rejected by every school. Eleven digital no-thank-yous. I joke to Daniel that if that ends up happening that I would still want to move away, back to Nashville or something, just to escape the embarrassment of explaining why I never left  for graduate school.  I know it would be a bad choice, made out of pride and shame, since the people who inspired me to apply in the first place and who encouraged my work are here. And they'll still be here and I will still be me, where ever I go. I will still probably not write enough and take a desk job and dream about working in a writer's room and creating characters who are so wrong and so exceptional at the same time.

The lemonade of the whole situation is that while I feel really beat down by these decisions, I simultaneously feel motivated.  The more I hear no, the more I want to work and improve. A part of me will crumble if it turns out that I'm not a good fit at any of the schools that I've applied to, but I think and hope that a part of me will rise from it. Like, maybe I didn't work hard enough before, but the end is far from me. Maybe this is a sign that I don't belong in the world of book-writing and journal-submitting and small publishing. It could be a sign that I'm just knocking on the wrong door with this whole graduate school school thing, but I still can't shake the fact that I've worked so hard on these applications and spent a large amount of money from my savings account. I can't add: "Work was rejected by eleven perfectly good graduate schools" to my CV. It still happened.

It only takes one yes to make me a masters candidate, which is sort of maddening, but the most positive thing that I can meditate on these days. One yes in the pack. One person on one panel who thinks my stories and talents are worth fooling around with.

I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here.

I am, I am, I am

worried.

2015 so far

I can't seem to get the thought out of my head recently that each month, each week, each day, can be so unique, because is in fact the only March 10, 2015 that will ever happen. I've been letting my routine sort of happen to me instead of planning it out on my own. Here's what it is so far:

• Wake up while Daniel gets ready and leaves for work around 8 and then go back to sleep for an hour.
• Accidentally go back to sleep for 2 hours even though you went to bed at 12 (and possibly stayed up for an hour and half reading after that..)
• Lay in bed while I read every update on my phone and look at Instagram while trying to hide from Jackson, who at this point really has to go out.
• Take him out, feed him, and start boiling water for coffee and making breakfast.
• Clean the kitchen and unload/reload dishwasher.
• Watch an episode of something while eating.
• Watch another episode of something and think about what I should be accomplishing.
• Watch another episode of something while ignoring responsibilities and succumbing to a life of laze. 
• At this point it is the afternoon so I attempt to clean the house a little bit so Daniel will think I was productive when he gets home. 

Sometimes I actually do substitute these steps with going to the grocery store or going to a coffee shop to get some writing done, but it's hard to get motivated when you've become used to watching TV during all at-home activities. I will get into this mindset where I feel like I can't do anything in silence, and so I'll put on something with other goals in mind and then I can't give 100% to those goals because I'm distracting myself. It is quite frustrating, but having written out this lazy-girl itinerary, I feel incredibly embarrassed by it.

I want to remember days and moments, but how can I remember days if I don't make them memorable or treat them like they are new? I've been talking a lot about changing my routine and being tired of my laziness, and talking can feel a lot like doing in my experience, but it is not. 

Time to stop talking about change and be proud of my life. 

Talented people don't get what they want, motivated people do.

With that, here are some photos I've taken so far with my new (!!!) camera. I hope you're having a completely memorable day.

23 before 24 (2/2)

aaaaaaaaand we're back!

Last time on FavePhan, we were discussing the successes and failures of my' life as a 23 year old.

Cheerful, right? The second half of this list gets a little lofty with vague but pertinent goals such as "be happy," "feel good," and "                                   ." See what I did there?

(12) I'm not sure I what I meant here. I'm afraid that I must have been sad when I wrote this, and that I was hoping to pull myself out of whatever that was this year. I did and I didn't. I wouldn't say that I'm 100% happy with things in my life. but I did test that this year and maybe that's all I can hope for. Sometimes sad is good and powerful.

(13) Eeeek! Routines are really hard for me. I feel like I would love one, but I also struggle because some days I work in the mornings and some days I get home from work at almost midnight. It's hard to have a routine unless I make one that alternates depending on my work shift. I should look into this and write it down. My exercise regimen is basically watch TV and stretch and/or do workout videos on YouTube.

(14) Ah, Rachel. She is my oldest and dearest friend and I've known her now husband Carl for many years as well, (we dated in high school!) and I'm so happy to know he will also be in my life forever being the best companion for my best friend. I remember really being heartbroken when we broke up in high school, which is ridiculous because it was so silly, but I think I was just sad that he would be out of my life and now he's not! It's a dream I didn't know that I wanted to come true.

She was the most beautiful bride imaginable and they looked seriously perfect together. When they read their hand-written vows to each other, they each said almost identical things to each other: how they know that life together will be an adventure and they know of no one more fascinating and beautiful to be navigating it with them. On the day of the wedding I was only disappointed by a few friends and the fact that Rachel was made to cry tears that weren't born from happiness, but such is life, right? She's the greatest.

[insert photo of me grinning to break-up all this text! my heart was so full.]

(15) This one is redacted because it's none of your beeswax! Sorry bout it.

(16) I have not been to confession since the summer I worked a church camp (yes, I'm a very diverse person, apparently) and that was 3 years ago. The year before I worked that camp, I attended and had the greatest confession experience of my life. The relief and lightness that I felt was so overwhelming and the priest I talked to gave me hope for all priests everywhere. I know that I am friends with few people nowadays who share my same experiences and faith, but that doesn't really bother me. My relationship with faith is my own, as is everyone's. For the record, I also believe in karma, luck, good vibes, and positivity.

(17) Goals like this always end up on my list. I know I did this during this year of my life, but I also did the opposite. Here's to loving myself, my belly, skin, thighs, and double chin. Y'all all's cute.

(18) I did not journal enough this year and since I've been seriously considering switching to creative nonfiction I'm carrying this over to my next list. I don't feel like I know myself anymore, and I miss that relationship I had with my written thoughts. It's a crazy process to just unload what your brain is doing on paper, but I felt so sane when I did.

(19) This one relates to #21 which relates to #12 in ways that I don't really want to talk about here. I will say that things were rough and I thought that I'd be spending more time sleeping in the middle of the bed. And I thought I'd want a cat there, too.

(20) Working on this as well. Did I mention I've been getting really into minimalism? Been reading about ways to pair down your stuff, as well as capsule wardrobes and just feeling heavy by all my possessions. This will definitely be a re-worded 24 year old goal.

(21) Swiftly avoided this one. I still feel good, though, so the rest isn't important.

(22) I still have my funky walls and paint in the basement. Maybe next year I'll get my all-white everything.

(23) Working on this, and finding the words to speak my truth. Sometimes I lie in my journal, or omit things I'm afraid to say for fear that they'd become real. Truth is truth, even if it really sucks.



See, cheerful.


Promise to have real thoughts soon,

23 before 24 (1/2)

Last year I decided to make a list.

I saw these kind of lists on a handful of blogs that I read, and what I liked about them right away was that they weren't resolutions to forget or give up on after January. There is nothing wrong with wishing on New Years, because it feels good and the days ahead seem so far away and limitless in possibility, but what I liked about these lists is that they were geared towards a full year of personal growth. 

I am now 24, and it's time to take stock of things and see what I've done.

(1) First things first, a downer: I did not make a quilt. This goal will definitely carry over to this year, especially now that I feel like I will have SO much time on my hands after I finish applying to grad school. (not to mention, I will need to be way distracted so I don't lose my mind waiting for responses) I'm sort of interested in a t-shirt quilt, because I never wear t-shirts and still have so many, but I'd have to put a super lux fabric on the opposite side because I hate how they look visually. But I also have a lot of cool quilt patterns pinned on Pinterest so maybe I'll get cray-zay.

(2) Grad school apps!1! They are coming along. Currently I have completed 6.5 of 11 total applications. The point-five is the bit I still have to mail in for number 7 to be complete. It's a doosy and I've spent an alarming amount of my savings for application fees, but I'm hoping for my school to support me a bit so it'll all be worth it.

(3) Okay, now for a victory: I learned to knit! I totally did that and in two different ways! I made one scarf this year and I hope to make many others in my million hours of spare time and Gilmore Girls watching after these applications are behind me.

(4) Oh, the mug shelves. I bought and stained these long pieces of plywood, bought the hardware, thought about where I wanted them, and these bad boys are STILL not up. Though, a lot of things have changed in my house recently, and I just don't know where they'll fit now. I've also been reading a lot about minimalism in the home, so my mug collection is sort of bothering me. (at least the ones I never use)

(5) I did it! Not as regularly as I might have liked, but I feel like things sort of unraveled for me after my house got broken into and I started stressing about graduate applications. Like I think I've been a real fun-suck to be around with my black hole of stress and complaining. I'm working on it.

(6) I am very ashamed to say that I still do this. It is very unsafe, especially now that I have an Android phone that befuddles me still. I will get better!

(7) I MET IRA GLASS*. That is all. Justin Vernon hasn't fallen in love with me yet and has probably abandoned Bon Iver, so this is all that matters. Plenty of bands to see this year though. I need this to carry over.

*

(Yes, he is wearing Daniel's Sweetwater Brewing Company hat, oh lawd. One day I'll blog about meeting him and one day I'll see him again and not let a drunk stranger take our photos nicely and run away.)

(8) I did write most of a new story this year, but abandoned it around that crazy time in mid-October when I realized I needed to polish and edit stories that had already been read and critiqued by others for my graduate portfolio. My story was about two people in their 50's having an affair and about to leave their respective spouses. Kind of sad, actually.

(9) This one came together right under the wire, but I am getting paid for my photo to appear on the cover of my friend and mentor's e-book! It's a ten year anniversary re-release of her first chapbook. Even though it won't be in print, my photo will be all over it and it's perfect! I couldn't be more grateful for my relationship with these people who build me up and support me so much. 

(10) When I reread this list recently I realized that I had forgotten all about this little goal. Now that I have a "Knoxville Bucket List" formulating in my head of things to do before I inevitably move away for school, this is definitely on it. I brought it up with my poet friends and they are all for it. I just really love the idea of people sitting around and reading things they wrote, or things that inspired them, and everyone talking and being really inspired. I love the idea of this happening in my living room.

(11) So, I have a secret. There is a YouTube channel full of videos of me singing. This is for real. I haven't made one since I was a freshman in college, but I have always been really into the YouTube music scene. I watch a lot of song covers and follow lots of musicians. I really loved doing these and trying to be apart of that community, but I never stuck with it. I'm pretty out of practice now and not the someone with great singing aspirations, but singing is very apart of my life. (partially due to the fact that my car radio is out) I want to start working my musical muscles again. Daniel has started playing saxophone recently after giving it up in high school in favor of sports. After he graduated college in December, he was just itching to be able to have hobbies again in his new found free time! It's really awesome to hear how musically inclined my computer programming boyfriend is. And cute. Talent is cute.

---

I realized doing all 24 would be an exhaustively long post, so I'll post part 2 later on!

I'm back, witches.

The Sunrise is Stupid

I took a lot, and I mean multitudes of beautiful photos during the sunrise of the final morning of my vacation back in September. They've since been sitting on my computer untouched until recently, and even now after taking the time to go through all of them and flag my favorites there are still 65 photos sitting in that folder. This morning was incredible and unreal and even more incredible and unreal is the idea that the this happens the same way every morning in this place. I kept looking at the back of my camera and rolling my eyes, because they looked so freaking good. I'm not trying to talk up my photography skills, (but if I was it's my blog, and I can do whatever I want) because my skill had nothing to do with it. Have you ever seen a terrible picture of a sunrise or sunset? Every shot looked like it came standard as my laptop background.

It doesn't take an artist. I didn't feel like an artist (not that I often do). I'm just someone who has seen all the cliché photos and still feels the need to bring more into the world. I feel like it's very human to want to capture beautiful things when we see them with our own eyes, even though the same thing will happen tomorrow and the next day.

I've felt a lot recently like I have been in my head with stress, loss, and defeat instead of stopping to just go outside and revel in the season I continue to boast as my favorite. I don't deserve the fall right now, but I did take a second to relish in the summer, so I just wanted share that.

P.S. I am sad to have to add that photos on this blog will be sparse in the coming weeks/months because my camera was stolen from me as a result of a break-in. The thief stole 4 cameras from me, in fact, and I am at a loss. Now that I'm not able to use my camera, I feel more inspired than ever with no outlet. Thinking of starting a fund to help me buy a new one.

Thank for being here, guys.
Stay with me,
Stephanie

Best Week Ever, XV AND BEYOND

Hey guys, do you remember that one time when I didn't post on my blog for over a month?

I feel like my life is equally fast and slow, busy and lazy, predictable and spontaneous. I seem to exist on both ends of the spectrum and figuring out how to stay balanced and not too thinly spread has really been giving me a run for my money lately.

So, let's put it behind us, shall we?

Here's a photo dump from the last few weeks and a list of good things.

Good Things—
encouragement
when the last few dishes at work fit perfectly into the dishwasher
hosting cookouts
Bargain Hunt
americanos (always)
long-overdue talks


Love,
me

BITCH BUGS

Those bugs came out this night and they were bitchier than ever. My very studly BFF, Alex Cline (who has now had his own cartoons published in MAD Magazine twice this fall) hosted an art show/comic book release party for a weekly project he had been working on called Bitch Bugs.

It's really hard to explain and even harder to fathom how this all came out of Alex's head, but here is an example:

Click for Alex's Blog and more bitches!

I actually attempted to edit these photos, which is kind of huge for me. I usually don't have the patience for doing it, because when I'm usually done, I end up thinking the original is just as good. Also, I like my photos to be good because I took a great photo, not because I can use curves. Which, by the way, I'm still getting the hang of. I starred at the picture of Alex's head at the beginning of the post for at least an hour at Starbucks today and found that all the ways I had it were either too yellow or red. The guy next to me probably thought I was obsessed with Alex. (I totally am.)

 Moral of the story: Alex is perfect and editing is actually a valuable experience sometimes.

#VFL

Well, I'm sitting around on a Saturday doing absolutely nothing but wearing a cute outfit and watching The Big Bang Theory, and I have about 5 blogs to post.

So here's one that is full of Tennessee Football.

In other news, here is a photo of me succumbing to Big Orange glory and actually attending my second game in three years (kind of third), instead of just going to a tailgate, which is still rare. (Also, if anyone knows a tailgate where Daniel and I are welcome, let me know.) Left at half-time.

From l-r: Me, Dad, Mom, Aunt, Aunt, Uncle.

Au revoir,

Stephanie

DEW KNOT TUCH

Alex had a gallery show and he is awesome.

Here are some photos from it. Mhmm.

September 14, 2012

slp