May 14, 2015


I have completely forgotten how to take self-portraits. This is me on the porch the other day and I was feeling so robotic trying to figure out what to do with my hands and face. I'm surprised I got at least a sort of natural looking portrait. I could not stop doing weird poses or trying to "do nothing" and just looking really ticked off or asleep. What do people want to look at in a portrait? I could take glamorous head shots all day, but the point of taking photos of myself has always been to see. It's an attempt to see myself in a different way or to try and embody the person I want to be seen as. I don't know. Either way it's always been a big thing in my life, self portraits, and I think it will continue to be a thing.

So, I have three jobs. My first job is at a coffee shop. This job is physically demanding, meaning that I show up, be charming, be helpful, be responsible, and work in the most literal sense. It can take up to 30 hours of my weeks, most times. Sometimes there are in the early mornings, late nights, or in that sweet spot: 10am - 5pm. When people ask where I work I say, "I am a barista."

My second job is with Sundress (Publication and Academy for the Arts). At this job I sit at my computer, send a lot of e-mails, write press releases, draft contracts, and when I don't have time I tell the interns to do it. Other times, a big part of this job is showing up. We have a lot of events, retreats, readings, booths at festivals, and these all require me to show up. As such a small organization, the best we can do it show up and talk to to people. I have worked my way from intern, to assistant in development, to assistant to the director of it all, my friend Erin. When people ask me where else I work I say something like, "It's a non-profit in town that wants to grow the artist and writer community in Knoxville.. we do events and workshops. I don't get paid."

Lately, I've been feeling like my third job is all the rest of it. All the things I want to be and want to do and NEED to do. There are so many muscles that I want to work and so many things I would like to incorporate into my daily routine. Can I exercise more, sing and play more, write more, see my friends more, take pictures more? I guess I am not good at doing one task at a time. I see the forest right now and not the trees. I have this motivational quote framed on my wall that says, "A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow," and I have been trying trying to hear that and wing it, but I fail. I have so much stress to talk about and share with the world but it really inhibits my progress. This "third job" is the most important to my well being, but gets shoved in the background so often. I think this is because the only person to disappoint at this job is me, and I am maybe too forgiving. These things are my heart and soul, and creation is really all there is when it is all said and done. I graduated college two years ago this week and I feel like I am still only taking baby steps towards who I want to be daily. When people ask me what I want to do I say, "I want to be a writer." I don't say, "I want to feel content and balanced."

Trying not to beat myself up about it all,

1 comment:

  1. I could have written this. I still feel like I'm picking up the pieces post graduation, even two years later. Uuuuugg.

    You're doing just fine, and so am I, I hope.