Sep 29, 2015

Pre & Post

I'm okay! Don't panic! (You weren't panicking, I know, but I WAS.) I won't spend time here describing these last few months to you in detail, but I have been riding a huge wave of change and I still feel on top of it, though it's getting increasingly harder to stay that way.

I moved by myself to Mississippi into a little house with a friend-of-a-friend and I started graduate school for fiction writing. Since my last post I have felt everything there is to feel and every feeling I never expected to feel. My independence and hope for the future had me bursting with pride. My loneliness had me missing my friends, the people whose support sent me away. My confidence and new direction turned me into a light and I gave someone my exhausted heart.

My first full day here after my move I was so shell shocked and uncomfortable (and hungover) that I went to a Starbucks and a movie and tucked my mile-long to-do list into the bottom of my bag. I knew there was a cool local coffee shop down the street, but I was seeking some sort of peace and comfort from the familiar, so I went to a place that looks the same in every city (hey, I could have gone to Walmart, but I didn't, plus my hangover helper is a large soy iced coffee and one of those sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches). It helped about as much as it could.

Since that first day I've been slowly sinking into life here. I've learned where to park, been getting to know my roommate, and finally letting myself fully grasp that I made it into this program. It has taken some time and will continue to take time for me to feel ownership over my achievements and remind myself that everything I have has been earned and is not just a lucky streak. Graduate school is really hard, especially since my program is an MA (I spent some time mourning the loss of my F, yes) and my academic achievements are just as crucial to my success as my creative ones, but it has been a nice change to be constantly working and pushing and trying.

When I am explaining my life now to my friends (I'm so sorry to my friends, because I have been so neglectful since I've been here.. new life will do that to you, I guess) it's always structured around the major events of the last few months. Everything is either pre-moving or post-moving, pre-break-up or post-break-up.

Before or after.

This year has been a real before and after for me. Both halves have scared me in different ways, but I am grateful for the places I've been and trying to keep my eye on where I'm going.

Talent is nothing but a long patience.


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