May 5, 2015

you are here

I found myself singing this Oasis lyric the other day:

All the roads you have to walk are winding,
and all the lights the lead the way are blinding.

And it is speaking to me now in a deep way, which feels corny because I haven't listened to this song on purpose since I was about fifteen years old.

A lot of people recently have been giving me input on my path in life. They've said travel! or when are you guys getting married!? or  how are you going to make money for the rest of your life?! These pieces of advice feel helpful coming from them, but as the recipient they feel like a list of my shortcomings. I nod and smile, but if you wanted to see a list of things that I am not accomplishing currently, there it is.

I remembered recently that there is such a thing as a quarter-life crisis and I'M IN IT, GUYS. I get it.

I can't stop thinking about where I am and how I got to be here, both physically and in my mind. I know thinking isn't ground-breaking, but these universal, sometimes cliché, big life questions are taking over my thoughts. Am I making moves and decisions that will help me instead of hurt me? I understand this fear doesn't go away, but I am somewhere because of the decisions I've made, and I've got to tell myself constantly that it's where I'm supposed to be. It's a beautiful lie. It's good and necessary. You can't change where you've been.

I am here.

A cold and rainy January kind of Knoxville

I just finished Gilmore Girls, and watching Rory graduate college, move out of her apartment, and send out a thousand and one resumes all in the same week was exhausting. Why does everything in life have to come to a head the minute you graduate college? I went on a freaking vacation and quit my part-time job when I was finished. Her actions felt completely strange to me. Why could she not have stayed in her apartment, her town, and made a living while applying for jobs? There is no rule that says you have to totally abandon your city in search of greener pastures once you finish your degree. If I would have moved home after graduation, there is no way I would be going to graduate school in the fall. I would probably still be happy living somewhere in Nashville and working at a desk, but I would not be doing this and writing what I'm writing.

It is really nice to have a plan after graduation and a job lined up, but it's also very nice to just not. These past two years out of school I've met great people who work their asses off to get things done, and not for profit. For art. For art! I've completely felt at home in Knoxville. I feel like I can be an adult here and the relationships I've made were not because of my parents or my high school. These people like me and root for me.. the adult me. I've been transformed by time and conversations; my peers and professors.

There is so much pressure to have a plan and move in on it right away. There is so much room for regret in my life, but do I have to let it in? Would it change me or slow me down?

A happy plant.

Because of social media, I am still connected to most of the people I had a relationship with in high school, and so many who are my age are getting engaged, married, and having children. I am very supportive of these people. I could not be happier for them and I will cry-slash-have cried at all of their weddings, but they are following their own plans. That's all I want. That's what they want.

I don't feel ready to have a marriage or a baby. My dad brought up to me the other weekend that him and my mom were my age when they got married, and I'm not sure what he was trying to tell me by mentioning that. Am I not measuring up? Is the fact that I don't want to get married in the next year or have a kid in the next 5 disappointing to my family? Because I don't feel disappointed. I feel like me. I know they would support me no matter what and would never tell me that I am wrong for living my life differently, but I can't help but feel people pushing at me from all sides to start my life, meaning find my husband, get a nine-to-five job, and have a kid.

Hello! My life has started! Look and see!

A Saturday morning at work.

Luckily, all around me there are still so many hands raising me up and telling me to write about my life, share my work with others, and find my happy; Whether that means being married, single, straight, queer, a masters student, a barista, or a pregnant housewife.

I apologize that this post is mega-long, but it is what has been permeating my thoughts for the last few months, and I am glad to have it out and written somewhere.

All my love and guts and support,

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