Aug 7, 2009

Prelude, Part 2

Oh, when writer's get the notion..
impulse pens and receipts.

For the last few weeks I've found myself bored and underwhelmed. Sure, I have fun hanging out with my friends and laughing and remembering, but there was a definite void. Today, after having multiple things fall through and be ruined, I came to the conclusion, on the back of a couple receipts, that I've become much too attached to things, and things get you no where.

Yesterday, I thought I was finally getting a new phone, because the back light is out on mine and it's damn near impossible to read without a flashlight, no joke. I was lead to believe I would get it before my sister and I ran off to play in Chicago this weekend. So, being able to talk my friends and text with no wonder if I actually said the right thing, would be top notch, yes, but the dream died. August update, yes. Not until the 25th. Sad day. That really had me going. I was so mad. I've lived with my phone for over a month broken and I was ready to catch a break.

Today, I did some yoga to calm down, (and get my ass kicked), showered, made myself coffee, and went out to run some errands. I went to pick up some film I had dropped off last week only to find that I messed up all the prints when I was taking out the film. I think my 35mm might be broken. Long story short, I got one, over-exposed picture back costing me a $1.51 for it and it's double. I had taken pictures of my high school, and I had experimented with the settings and written them down so I could study how each picture came out. I had documented wonderful events from the past 6 months that I knew deserved to be saved forever, printed out and in my hands.
I lost them all.

I called my Dad a little earlier that day, seeing if he would stop by a Catholic bookstore downtown to see if they had a ring I so desperately want, and to pick it up for me. I thought, since I couldn't have my phone, I'd like something right before the weekend, no problem. He called me back on my way out of Walmart and said they didn't have it but they would order it and it would come in after a few days/weeks. I honestly just wanted something to go right.

I went to my car in the Walmart parking lot and had just about the best cry I've had in a long time. If I'm not mistaken, it's my first real cry all summer. It felt really good. I feel emotionally enabled now instead of bored and intermittently numb. I've been bottling a bunch of stuff up and not letting go. Harboring thoughts and emotions concerning a lot of things that haven't gone my way this summer. These must have been the feelings that made me hold onto that book in the Samaritan House on Tuesday. (Oh, how I do love a good Tuesday). Things definitely happen in threes and this trifectum of mishaps all led me to one conclusion that I came to on my way to my next errand.

I've been so bored lately. So bored and so shallow. Self-concious. I've been intensely attached to things. I let these things govern whether I was happy or not and then I was robbed of them. I found it completely unfair, but then realized it was probably the most fair thing God could possibly do for me at this point: getting my head back on my shoulders before I go to school, and before that head of mine rolls away from me and off the beaten path. I wanted to get simplier, so, thanks, fate, for the headstart. (no pun).

So, the book thing, I will start. I'm excited and nervous. I'm afraid I won't complete all of them, but if you try, you win.
This book, I found, is Christian-based. A jumpstart from God again, I'm sure. It encourages mediation, gratitude, and seeking inspiration. It talks about honoring simple truths and honoring your truths. My truths. And I'll find my truth in getting back to myself and my heart. Not those things.

Oh, when writers get the notion..

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