So, I don't know what this blog is going to be. I want it to match my interests, of course, but I also want it to be successful. I have this thing where I over-share when I write after a long hiatus, or when I'm talking to people who I haven't talked to in awhile. I've restarted this post 3 times now, because I just keep typing stuff that isn't imperative to your enjoyment of my blog. I'd love to be the mysterious blog-writer who just posts beautiful photos with meaningful comments below. That could be me, but I think I would feel unfulfilled (but cool).
This blog has been a lot of things for me since I created it in the eighth grade, but after my many purges, only a few scraps of high school/college Stephanie remain. I want this to be one of those very trendy DIY, home decor, fashion blogs, but that whole plight is basically a trend in itself. Though I love those blogs, I think I'll just keep typing and taking photos and see what happens. I want this to be a place where I feel like I can balance all the things that I love instead of becoming overwhelmed by them.
Let's consider this post one where I not only talk about the direction of my blog yet again, but one where I actually take a step in a direction by posting something.
The other day I took some photos of my outfit, as if this blog would warp into a fashion blog, but those felt very strange until I started to become less concerned with my outfit and more so with the sunlight. Admittedly, I'm a little rusty at self-portraits, but I got that little self-portrait high and it felt good to be making something. I was running back and forth between both sides of the camera making adjustments and seeing what worked. Seeing these photos large on my computer screen that night was kind of a weird experience for me. I was struck suddenly with the fact that I hadn't really seen myself in a very long time. Mirrors deceive, (and actually make me feel smaller than I actually am. Blessing?) but in pictures, you are really able to see yourself as others do. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm perfectly content with what I see of myself in these photos, but I'd like to get there. My 52-weeks project was two years ago, and though I feel like I'm more or less the same, my state of mind, my body, and my life have changed so much.
This blog had failed as a blog so many times that it's starting to remind me of when I would rip out pages from the diaries I kept when I was really little because I didn't like my handwriting or I thought it was something not important enough for a diary. I get that way a lot now with my journal, too. Sometimes I value the importance of a thing a lot more than the importance of an action, like the pristine quality of my journal versus the cathartic release of feelings in my writing. I even try to always use the same pen type and color, even though I am the only one who looks at it. I feel like that is exactly the mindset I take with posting on this blog. I want it to be important and not junked up with long-winded posts (too late), but concise thoughts, nice photos, and above all, direction.