The Trees

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with how I turned out, but the day I moved to Mississippi my Dad called me and said (in a voice that sounded like a game show host), Are you ready for the first day of the rest of your life? And I wasn't ready because I was still running errands, packing boxes, and trying to feign preparedness for the next two years of my life, though they remained 100% a mystery to me. My Dad is both sentimental and funny, (sound familiar?) so off-hand silly comments like this from him are a crucial part of his parenting and advice-giving. These comments have proven to be remarkably apt recently, especially in a conversation we had the other day.

I had called my Mom to talk about money, because I am very good at having it but not particularly good at keeping it, and she put my Dad on. While I was catching up with him and detailing my school life and how hectic it has been, I started talking about future assignments and what all I have to complete before finally driving back for Christmas. He said:

You know how to eat an elephant?

No, how?

One bite at a time.

And though people had been telling me that for weeks, to take things just one day at a time, hearing that advice echoed in this totally spot-on Dad way struck me in a way I didn't expect. I had been hearing this advice and giving this advice to others, but not really putting it into practice in a real way.

This has been my challenge. I am trying to be a good student and plan ahead, but just looking at my calendar sends me into a panic. The weeks all seem so close together on the page! It's one thing after another for me now. No rest. Even this fall break that I'm on is just an excuse to be distracted from my homework. In my weaker moments, I am thinking about the entire semester, the entire two-year program all at once: papers, teaching, reading, writing. It is all too, too much.

Usually the phrase goes that people "can't see the forest for the trees", but my problem is that I can see the forest and it frightens me. If I can think about just today or just this week, and shrink my to-do lists down to bite-size portions, I think I can do it.

One tree at a time, he says.

Pre & Post

I'm okay! Don't panic! (You weren't panicking, I know, but I WAS.) I won't spend time here describing these last few months to you in detail, but I have been riding a huge wave of change and I still feel on top of it, though it's getting increasingly harder to stay that way.

I moved by myself to Mississippi into a little house with a friend-of-a-friend and I started graduate school for fiction writing. Since my last post I have felt everything there is to feel and every feeling I never expected to feel. My independence and hope for the future had me bursting with pride. My loneliness had me missing my friends, the people whose support sent me away. My confidence and new direction turned me into a light and I gave someone my exhausted heart.

My first full day here after my move I was so shell shocked and uncomfortable (and hungover) that I went to a Starbucks and a movie and tucked my mile-long to-do list into the bottom of my bag. I knew there was a cool local coffee shop down the street, but I was seeking some sort of peace and comfort from the familiar, so I went to a place that looks the same in every city (hey, I could have gone to Walmart, but I didn't, plus my hangover helper is a large soy iced coffee and one of those sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches). It helped about as much as it could.

Since that first day I've been slowly sinking into life here. I've learned where to park, been getting to know my roommate, and finally letting myself fully grasp that I made it into this program. It has taken some time and will continue to take time for me to feel ownership over my achievements and remind myself that everything I have has been earned and is not just a lucky streak. Graduate school is really hard, especially since my program is an MA (I spent some time mourning the loss of my F, yes) and my academic achievements are just as crucial to my success as my creative ones, but it has been a nice change to be constantly working and pushing and trying.

When I am explaining my life now to my friends (I'm so sorry to my friends, because I have been so neglectful since I've been here.. new life will do that to you, I guess) it's always structured around the major events of the last few months. Everything is either pre-moving or post-moving, pre-break-up or post-break-up.

Before or after.

This year has been a real before and after for me. Both halves have scared me in different ways, but I am grateful for the places I've been and trying to keep my eye on where I'm going.

Talent is nothing but a long patience.

(Maupassant)

Updates

I have completely forgotten how to take self-portraits. This is me on the porch the other day and I was feeling so robotic trying to figure out what to do with my hands and face. I'm surprised I got at least a sort of natural looking portrait. I could not stop doing weird poses or trying to "do nothing" and just looking really ticked off or asleep. What do people want to look at in a portrait? I could take glamorous head shots all day, but the point of taking photos of myself has always been to see. It's an attempt to see myself in a different way or to try and embody the person I want to be seen as. I don't know. Either way it's always been a big thing in my life, self portraits, and I think it will continue to be a thing.

So, I have three jobs. My first job is at a coffee shop. This job is physically demanding, meaning that I show up, be charming, be helpful, be responsible, and work in the most literal sense. It can take up to 30 hours of my weeks, most times. Sometimes there are in the early mornings, late nights, or in that sweet spot: 10am - 5pm. When people ask where I work I say, "I am a barista."

My second job is with Sundress (Publication and Academy for the Arts). At this job I sit at my computer, send a lot of e-mails, write press releases, draft contracts, and when I don't have time I tell the interns to do it. Other times, a big part of this job is showing up. We have a lot of events, retreats, readings, booths at festivals, and these all require me to show up. As such a small organization, the best we can do it show up and talk to to people. I have worked my way from intern, to assistant in development, to assistant to the director of it all, my friend Erin. When people ask me where else I work I say something like, "It's a non-profit in town that wants to grow the artist and writer community in Knoxville.. we do events and workshops. I don't get paid."

Lately, I've been feeling like my third job is all the rest of it. All the things I want to be and want to do and NEED to do. There are so many muscles that I want to work and so many things I would like to incorporate into my daily routine. Can I exercise more, sing and play more, write more, see my friends more, take pictures more? I guess I am not good at doing one task at a time. I see the forest right now and not the trees. I have this motivational quote framed on my wall that says, "A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow," and I have been trying trying to hear that and wing it, but I fail. I have so much stress to talk about and share with the world but it really inhibits my progress. This "third job" is the most important to my well being, but gets shoved in the background so often. I think this is because the only person to disappoint at this job is me, and I am maybe too forgiving. These things are my heart and soul, and creation is really all there is when it is all said and done. I graduated college two years ago this week and I feel like I am still only taking baby steps towards who I want to be daily. When people ask me what I want to do I say, "I want to be a writer." I don't say, "I want to feel content and balanced."

Trying not to beat myself up about it all,